Originally posted 12-5-06
I have never been a big fan of The Holidays. Call me crazy but the chubby kid doesn't like all the holiday foods. I hate Turkey. It's so dry it makes my mouth dry just thinking and writing about it. I despise dressing. It makes me want to throw up every time I attempt to place it in my mouth and swallow. Even thinking about that chalky stuff, it makes me ill. I hate holiday food.
So, I have decided that if I am ever in the position of great fame and/or fortune, which you never know, could be sooner than later, that I would like to propose some general rules and some changes for the holidays.
1) Buffalo Wings & Pizza should replace Turkey & Stuffing, respectively.
Come on! Turkey is outdated. We all know that killing a turkey is cruel while killing a chicken is all right! And you don't have to kill anything except flour to make a pizza, unless you have meats. Which I do!!! Pizza - the poor man's dressing!
2) All Thanksgiving Get-Togethers should include the watching of football, and the women should sit and learn about the beautiful game.
My wife still thinks that kicking a field goal is a freaking touchdown! Come on! Turkey Day is called Turkey Day for one reason: football!!! So, everyone should be forced to watch football and understand the nuances of the games, like why the players pat each other on the butt after good plays and why certain players have their groins massaged after a tough play on the field.
3) Christmas decorations and/or music should not be whipped out until 1 week before Christmas.
Since we all know that Jesus wasn't really born in December any way, then why the freak do we start to celebrate his birthday a full 5 months early (or 7 months late, depending on how you look at it). Sure, let's celebrate Christmas, but, God, please, no freaking Christmas music until a week before. It's all I can take to turn on my radio and here "Simply having a wonderful Christmas time" and it's a full month before the big day. Sure, most pop music at this point is ultimately more annoying than that song, but that isn't the point! We must have standards!!! Christmas music is for Christmas. Not the 5 weeks before Christmas. AND DO NOT PUT A WREATH ON MY DOOR!!!
4) People should not have it on their agendas to give other people the freaking Christmas spirit.
I don't like the Holidays, okay? I'm not a Scrooge, I just don't like all the hullabuloo. I love to focus on the fact that Jesus came to earth and the story of His birth is amazing. I do NOT want to have to think about all the presents that we have to buy for everyone or worry about the presents that I hope I get. Why not just celebrate Christmas all year long. If you see someone that needs something in June, buy it for them...by Christmas time they won't need it. I get really, really tired of people being all cheery and whistling Christmas music then making pouty faces when they find out (from my friends) that I don't like Christmas. "Awww, is someone a little Grinch?" they inevitably ask. And then I bite their heads off. Literally.
5) All presents should be at the recipients request.
Oh, sure it takes the fun out of it if they know what they were getting, but at least people won't get presents that they will never use. I have someone in my life who buys me a lot of crap every Christmas that NEVER gets used because it's just that: crap. I'm sorry, but argyle socks went out like 11 years ago, and they're not making a comeback any time soon. And that tight jean jacket? Well, I'm chubby and tight doesn't work for me. So, this Christmas, go to your loved ones and ask them, "What do you want?" Then buy them one of the items they request. Don't think that maybe you know better. You DO NOT.
Well, I hope that helps you gain some Christmas spirit.